Our Arguments On Repeat

“I feel like you would rather do anything on your “to-do” list than spend time with me”

“I feel guilty for working on projects because I know you wish I was doing something different”

“You never spend time with us!”

“Why can you plan a guy’s trip and not plan a date with your wife?”

“You are pressuring me to get all these projects done but also making me feel guilty for spending my time elsewhere”

Do any of these lines sound familiar? These are all taken directly from arguments between my husband and I. Most were arguments after we became parents but the discussions themselves have been happening long before we had even considered having kids.

I feel like I have always been begging him for more time together. It’s my love language. I feel most loved when he takes time out of all his many “to-do’s” and plans a trip or takes me out to eat or orders takeout that we can enjoy cozied up in bed watching our favorite show.

He has not always been good at this. He’s a perfectionist and the “ideal” date or romantic gesture always made him feel like nothing he thought of was ever good enough. That caused a huge wound for me in our marriage because I always felt ignored or unworthy of his time / creativity.

I’d bring up my hurt (usually in a very unhealthy and angry way) and he would become defensive because it was something he was insecure about. And then we would go round and round… arguing about all kinds of things but in the end it always came back to one of us wishing the other would just pay more attention and invest more time into our relationship.

And Then It Got Complicated

Then we had Bowen… and I feel like the first 6 months just don’t even count. You’re just trying to survive. You’re so consumed with this new tiny human that most of your arguments are because you haven’t had sleep in what feels like 3802939 years. But you move out of the fog, sort of get the hang of this parenting thing and then you realize… oh yeah… we’re still married. We made it. And I still like you, right? You begin to want more time together, just the two of you. At this point passing your little human off to a trusted family member or friend seems more and more tempting.

But our kids become more mobile, we get more busy. Our to-do lists during nap time and evenings become longer and longer because slowly it’s the only time we have to get things done. I get it. I get it all. We were there. Some days we still are.

Our to-do lists were a mile long, we couldn’t remember our last date night and our arguments slowly became more and more about the lack of attention we were giving each other.

So, we decided to change it. We couldn’t keep going at that pace. It was impossible. We decided to implement Monday night family meetings.

That choice to be intentional for 10-15 minutes one night a week has healed so many of our wounds we’ve been arguing about for years.

We call our Monday nights “Band Meetings” because it made us laugh but you can call them whatever you want!

Here’s how our meetings go:

After Bowen goes to sleep (around 8:00) we sit on our comfy vintage couch and go through our list of topics:

Schedule
Finances
Dreams / Goals
Favorite Part of the Past Week
Pray

How It has healed us

Talking through these things, understanding each other’s weeks, expectations, plans etc. is SO HEALING and important. We have decided to plan 1 date night and 1 family night into every week. This fills up my “please spend time with me or I’ll die” cup. Any other projects or adventures he needs to do without me doesn’t hurt me like it used to. I know I will get my time with him and as a family and that’s enough.

Russell now doesn’t feel guilty going climbing or working in his shed because he knows he is giving me the time I need.

I wish I could bring you into my house and sit you on my couch with my favorite mug full of coffee that says “choose joy” and tell you with all the seriousness and passion I have behind this computer screen right now that YOU NEED this in your marriage. You need the intention of setting aside time to talk about the mundane and ordinary things we gloss over. It looks different for every couple but IT IS SO HEALING. How many times have I said it? not enough.

We have struggled for so long with deep hurts that stemmed from putting “to-do” lists and personal goals over spending time with each other. Now that we have implemented “Band Meetings” our marriage is better than it ever has been. It’s still not perfect. We still argue and hurt each other with our words and actions. But, having weekly dates and family days has breathed new life into our relationship and I am so excited for what’s to come.

So, I highly encourage you to talk with your spouse and figure out what works for you.