How to Make Time For Your Marriage in the Midst of Parenthood

Our Arguments On Repeat

“I feel like you would rather do anything on your “to-do” list than spend time with me”

“I feel guilty for working on projects because I know you wish I was doing something different”

“You never spend time with us!”

“Why can you plan a guy’s trip and not plan a date with your wife?”

“You are pressuring me to get all these projects done but also making me feel guilty for spending my time elsewhere”

Do any of these lines sound familiar? These are all taken directly from arguments between my husband and I. Most were arguments after we became parents but the discussions themselves have been happening long before we had even considered having kids.

I feel like I have always been begging him for more time together. It’s my love language. I feel most loved when he takes time out of all his many “to-do’s” and plans a trip or takes me out to eat or orders takeout that we can enjoy cozied up in bed watching our favorite show.

He has not always been good at this. He’s a perfectionist and the “ideal” date or romantic gesture always made him feel like nothing he thought of was ever good enough. That caused a huge wound for me in our marriage because I always felt ignored or unworthy of his time / creativity.

I’d bring up my hurt (usually in a very unhealthy and angry way) and he would become defensive because it was something he was insecure about. And then we would go round and round… arguing about all kinds of things but in the end it always came back to one of us wishing the other would just pay more attention and invest more time into our relationship.

And Then It Got Complicated

Then we had Bowen… and I feel like the first 6 months just don’t even count. You’re just trying to survive. You’re so consumed with this new tiny human that most of your arguments are because you haven’t had sleep in what feels like 3802939 years. But you move out of the fog, sort of get the hang of this parenting thing and then you realize… oh yeah… we’re still married. We made it. And I still like you, right? You begin to want more time together, just the two of you. At this point passing your little human off to a trusted family member or friend seems more and more tempting.

But our kids become more mobile, we get more busy. Our to-do lists during nap time and evenings become longer and longer because slowly it’s the only time we have to get things done. I get it. I get it all. We were there. Some days we still are.

Our to-do lists were a mile long, we couldn’t remember our last date night and our arguments slowly became more and more about the lack of attention we were giving each other.

So, we decided to change it. We couldn’t keep going at that pace. It was impossible. We decided to implement Monday night family meetings.

That choice to be intentional for 10-15 minutes one night a week has healed so many of our wounds we’ve been arguing about for years.

We call our Monday nights “Band Meetings” because it made us laugh but you can call them whatever you want!

Here’s how our meetings go:

After Bowen goes to sleep (around 8:00) we sit on our comfy vintage couch and go through our list of topics:

1. Schedule

2. Finances

3. Dreams / Goals

4. Favorite Part of the Past Week

5. Pray

How It has healed us

Talking through these things, understanding each other’s weeks, expectations, plans etc. is SO HEALING and important. We have decided to plan 1 date night and 1 family night into every week. This fills up my “please spend time with me or I’ll die” cup. Any other projects or adventures he needs to do without me doesn’t hurt me like it used to. I know I will get my time with him and as a family and that’s enough.

Russell now doesn’t feel guilty going climbing or working in his shed because he knows he is giving me the time I need.

I wish I could bring you into my house and sit you on my couch with my favorite mug full of coffee that says “choose joy” and tell you with all the seriousness and passion I have behind this computer screen right now that YOU NEED this in your marriage. You need the intention of setting aside time to talk about the mundane and ordinary things we gloss over. It looks different for every couple but IT IS SO HEALING. How many times have I said it? not enough.

We have struggled for so long with deep hurts that stemmed from putting “to-do” lists and personal goals over spending time with each other. Now that we have implemented “Band Meetings” our marriage is better than it ever has been. It’s still not perfect. We still argue and hurt each other with our words and actions. But, having weekly dates and family days has breathed new life into our relationship and I am so excited for what’s to come.

So, I highly encourage you to talk with your spouse and figure out what works for you.

Questions To Ask

• What are you missing in your relationship?

• What are your love languages?

• How can you include them more in your weekly schedule?

• What topics do you need to cover weekly to be on the same page?

Life is happening now. Let’s make the most of it, sweet friends.

Build disciplines and intentional rhythms that set you up for healing and a more beautiful life than you ever thought possible.

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About the Blogger…

Hi, love! I’m a little (okay… a lot) obsessed with vintage everything, married to an Aussie and love exploring Colorado.

I worked in Christian camping for ten years creating activities that are simple but effective.

Now I’ve learned that in order to fit in those important activities about God into our week, we need to first learn to find the time and manage it wisely.

So, I’m bringing you ways to manage your time and spend your new found freedom with intention and those you love most.

I’m so glad you’re here, sweet mama.

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How Choosing My People Over Busyness Changed My Life

What is your legacy?

What do you think of when you think of a legacy?

I often think of significant events… birthdays, weddings, funerals . Always at these events there are beautiful speeches and testimonies that are told about people and the way they lead their life. For a long time I didn’t ever purposefully try to shape my legacy… I just thought it was something that you leave behind and it’s how other people choose to tell your story.

I now believe differently. It’s how you choose to influence other people’s stories. It’s the way you pour into their life that shapes your legacy.

I think it’s too late if we try and shape or think about our legacy at the end of our life. It’s time to ask yourself today, “What legacy did I leave behind yesterday?” “Did I choose to love?”

“What can I do now to leave a legacy behind that tells those around me they are enough and worth my time?”

It is easy to listen to the messages of “hustle harder” and “when you reach the goal of (fill in the blank) you will finally be happy and have time for everything”.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we can do great things with our time throughout our lives. We can start non profits or businesses that give our families freedom and offer value. We can work purposeful jobs that provide for our families and serve others. Those are valuable things to do with our time.

I’m also not saying that you need to say yes to every invitation that comes your way. We need to protect our time and learn how to use it wisely. I think I would actually go crazy if I said yes to everything.

But, when we are saying no all the time because those goals, jobs or measures of success are taking over every aspect of our life…it takes us away from loving the real life humans God has so graciously put in our path. That is the point when we need to check our hearts.

Several years ago I was working a part time job in town, a part time job remotely on my off time and also running The Lovely Adventure. All the jobs were filled with the greatest intentions and I loved them all. They all sent messages out into the world that said, “You are loved” and one was even a Christian summer camp… I can’t think of a more beautiful mission than to share The Good News with our youth.

My heart was in the right place and I truly believed I was doing what God had called me to do. But I was stressed, not delegating, taking too many things on, terrible at saying “no” and literally running myself into the ground. I had taken opportunities God had given me and turned them into points of stress and exhaustion. Sounds like a classic human move, doesn’t it?

Soon after all of these things came to an end I had exhausted myself and realized just how empty my life was. I hadn’t seen my friends in months. I hadn’t seen my family. My marriage was full of arguments and painful conversations because we felt far apart even if we were in the same room. We were surviving on frozen pizza and the size of the laundry pile on our couch was embarrassing. I had to start at ground zero and figure out how to build everything that my busyness had destroyed.

God doesn’t make mistakes.

I don’t think it’s a “nice gesture” that he puts friends and family into our lives. I think it is purposeful and part of our calling to love those humans the best that we possibly can. They will be there to give the speeches and testimony of our legacy, after all. Are we telling them, “I don’t have time for you, I’m too busy.” or “Those things can wait, I’ll make the time.” ?

I’m sure you can guess which message I was giving out.

You see, all the good I was doing in all the jobs was worth nothing if the people who were put into my circle felt second best. If anyone had asked them how good of a friend, sister, wife, daughter etc. I was… if they were really honest, I think it would have been “a busy one….and not the best”.

Do we want to be busy or do we want to be a friend? Do we want to be successful or do we want to be there for those we love when they need us? What is God calling us to?

It’s all about balance and it’s a daily battle to fight for… but I want us to start thinking about shaping our legacies now before it’s too late. To choose our people over everything. To choose to love and to point people to Christ with our actions and the way we spend our time.

I sat down and thought about an action item to give you. I want you to think of at least three ways you want to be remembered.

So, when a friend is telling someone else about you they don’t say, “yeah she is really busy.” but instead, “She’s a really great friend. We have the best conversations, I can always call her if I need something”.

Here are the ways I want to be remembered:

1. Andrea loved people before her to-do list

2. Andrea wasn’t busy, she was productive with her time

3. Andrea didn’t waste the time God gave to her, it was her most valuable currency

4. Andrea gave solutions and did her best to help women fight overwhelm in their lives

Let’s be intentional, purposeful and passionate about shaping our legacy.

Let’s be women that value our time and our people over the busyness that tempts us with empty success, honor and pride.

I think you’ll find that so much you are missing and searching for will be found in the time you spend with the people God gave you.

Let’s not waste that blessing, sweet friends.

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Meet the Blogger

Hi, love! I’m a little (okay… a lot) obsessed with vintage everything, married to an Aussie and love exploring Colorado.

I worked in Christian camping for ten years creating activities that are simple but effective.

Now I’ve learned that in order to fit in those important activities about God into our week, we need to first learn to find the time and manage it wisely.

So, I’m bringing you ways to manage your time and spend your new found freedom with intention and those you love most.

I’m so glad you’re here, sweet mama.

---

Other Posts You May Like…

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Clear The Stage: Weekend Challenge

I think that if I only wrote when I was feeling pumped and excited, it would be a disservice to the mission of The Lovely Adventure. 

"...share our lovely adventures with genuine and transparent hearts that inspire others to live the lives they were created for."

Some days it's hard to find the lovely... especially on a Friday after a crazy long week. And this has definitely been a long week... anyone else?  Hellooooooo 3 day weekend.  I love you.  

I have the words to this song by Jimmy Needham on repeat in my head.  It's a Christian song, but even if you aren't a believer or don't know what you believe... I really encourage you to listen to it.  I think it really calls me to simplify my life and get back to that center soft spot in my heart.  For me, that's my love for the God who chose me, has chosen you and who I try to live my life in thankfulness for. 

Anything I put before my God is an idol.  Gosh dang, that line brings me to tears every dang time. I get so caught up in busy, in trying to build this little business, in juggling life and I never just sit down and clear my stage.  Clear it down to the basics, stop giving my time to things that might be currently draining me and give my time to things that are life giving. 

 I've been thinking a lot about this little lovely adventure of mine the past few weeks.  

What my mission is, why I'm doing it and what I want it to become.  I don't know a lot, I still have a million ideas swirling around in my head but here is what I do know...  

-I want this to be a place where you can find a genuine friend and a transparent heart

-I want to encourage you to find a lovely adventure and choose joy in your life each day

-I don't want to just tell you words that are easier said than done, I want to give you tools and I want to do it with you. 

That last sentence made me all weepy.  I think it's because I want it right in that soft spot center of my heart.  I want to have adventures and choose joy with you, sweet friends.  

I still want to create things but in the next few months I hope to create some things that are tools we can use together to find joy and daily adventures.  

So, here's my challenge to you for this three day weekend: Clear your stage.  Not for the whole weekend (let's be real... errbody got plans) but even just for 5 or 10 minutes.  Just be. Be you. Clear your thoughts, write them down if you have to.  Try to find that soft spot center of your heart and think about what it really wants.  

Figure out one way you can get that.  One tangible, achievable way you can get what your heart truly wants.  Maybe that's talking to a friend, maybe it's forgiving someone, maybe it's doing something you've been telling yourself you couldn't do.  Clear your stage and then go after what really matters. 

My heart will be seeking a beautiful God who loves me to my core, even when I don't believe it.  Even when I'm mad or I forget His goodness.  His stage is always clear for me.  For me to fill with all my baggage and my tears and my thoughts and my dreams.  And he takes it all, sends it back behind the curtains and tells me to just be for a while.  He can handle the show.  

That's what I hope my weekend is.  And friends, I hope you find those daily lovely adventures.  I hope you find joy in those sweet moments that can't ever be replicated.  I hope you take time to clear your stage.  Why?  Because you're worth it.  You really, really are.

I love you sweet friends and I hope you go into this weekend feeling encouraged to be genuine, transparent and to choose joy.  

There's only one you.  That's why you're the best. 

Love, 

The Lovely Adventurer